I don't know where my head is at the moment.
Everything is going really well for me at the minute. I have a job, friends, a wonderful girl, a holiday to look forward to and I have recently made up with some of my best friends. So why do I have this familiar feeling that something has to go wrong.
It's weird, It's like I'm walking on air one minute and the next...I dunno, it feels like I'm falling. I try and focus on the positives, but my head just keeps laughing them off as temporary feelings and that I am just going to end up the same why I was last year.
I don't want that, I hate feeling like everything HAS to go wrong. I hate feeling that I'm going to just fuck everything up and lose everything that I've got. I don't want to lose what I have now, I finally thought I could be happy. 2010 was shaping up to be an awesome year, and in some respects it has, it really has. But it's not helped by the fact my mind is eating away at my confidence for no good reason.
Maybe I am just attention seeking, maybe I have some chronic depression issues, maybe it's just the fact I have to be so god damn sensitive to every single emotion and malice and hate seem to the be flavour of the decade right now. Maybe I'm just a Schizophrenic and I don't know it.
I do have enemies right now, but they aren't physical, they aren't real. They are every bully who has ever called me a name, they are every night I spent sat outside the Falcon feeling like the world is out to get me, most of all they are all those people I thought I could trust but they turned their backs on me (just to clarify, it is none of those people who I recently made amends with). They are mental, images conjured up by a mind that seems to be intent on making me feel like shit at every turn.
I need to overcome these enemies, I just wish I knew how.
Ash
xx
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