Faster The Chase

I feel like writing something profound, something that people will remember as something that I said and maybe one day being quoted by the great Stephen Fry at the end of an episode of QI.

But the cold, harsh truth of the matter is, I don't really have the capacity to be that clever. I pride myself on using big words and saying "I'm clever, I just don't apply myself" but I'm not half as clever as I make out, I guess my mind has been melted away by years of T.V and Computer rape, Kind of ironic that I am bitching about my that to my Internet blog really.

I've been trying to do a lot of soul searching these past few days, and it turns out that I am still unsure as to whether I have one. I just can't figure out what kind of person I am, whether I am a good, kind, loving, generous person or that I am none of those things and too vein to admit it, I should of been doing this kind of thing a long time ago. There are so many things that I regret in my life it's kind of hard to form a positive, life affirming opinion so I can stand up and shout to the world "I AM ASHLEY DAVID MARKS, AND I WILL BE....." I get to that point and the only thing I can think of is "your waiter this evening", which says a lot for my self esteem and poor sense of humour.

It would be nice to think that I am a good guy, but it's really hard to find the quality that would qualify me as that person. Like I have mentioned, I think negatively and every time I think "okay, well I do have this going for me." It's like my brain kicks in and tells me "That's a fucking stupid thing, what possessed you to think about that" and proceeds to remind me of all the the wrongs that I have made, and where it has led me. Which is ultimately sitting here at ten past one on a Wednesday morning bitching about my life.

The one comfort I have is writing really. I may not be very good at it, I don't know I've never really had someone give me a proper constructive opinion of anything that I have written, but it is something that helps me feel better. It is my opinion that not a lot of things in life can make you feel better, and that you should grab hold of the things that you do and keep them close to you at all times, you'll need them when you turn that corner into Depressed Drive, heading straight into Neurotic City.

People will have to forgive me, I know I said I wasn't going to do rants about my personal life anymore, but this is my blog. I need closure sometimes, and ranting about it on here is the closest I am going to get until I finally achieve a social life over here.

My life is a Ferris wheel, it just keeps going around and around for no real purpose, then makes you chuck up the half tonne of candy floss you ate ten minutes before.

Love 'n' Stuff

Ash

Feeling: Predictably Pessimistic
Listening To: Always Attract - You Me At Six