Friday, 24 July 2009

My Unanswered Question

I've spent about five hours trying to find something to say. I mean, I want to talk, write, be social but it's finding the right things to say that bug me. Every single word that I have typed has been deleted to be replaced by another usuless metaphor or profund phrase to sum up my life as a whole, and I don't think that's me.

I've spent the last week trying to figure out who I am, what kind of person I am. Whilst a lot of you (if any of you actually read this) have your reservations about that already, I truely think that it's not who I am. I've tried all my life not to be a liar, a moaner, an attention seeker, a person so lacking in self confidence he needs constant re-assurances from people he knows care about him deeply (it's not vanity, I hate myself.), regardless of my attempts at stopping myself I still do it. Maybe it is who I am and I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that I am better than that.

Maybe I need to move away from my past, I dwell on things that have happened far to much. I ache for the old days, the days that I view through rose tinted glasses and smile back on, those times, whilst they will always remain in my heart, have gone. There are certain aspects of my past that I cannot let go, things that I don't want to, and those people know who they are.

Being back on the island a few weeks ago made me realise a lot of things. Firstly, is that drinking will always remain my enemy, I did quite a few stupid things (noteably on the Stag Do) whilst slightly intoxicated that I will regret. Secondly, I miss my High School friends, The night do of Craig and Vicky's wedding made me realise that, although the drinking straight from the bottle of wine may have hindered my memory of the events I loved being with you guys out in the piano bar, and I can't help but think back to that summer that we left year 11 and CRHS and remember that it was probably the best summer I have ever had. Thirdly, the friends that I have at the minute are the best friends I could hope to ask for, the things they did for me and the way the have helped me in everything is something that I will never, ever be able to pay them back for. Finally, the realisation that I have struggled to do, I need to make a clean slate. I need to truely sort out who I am and where I am going. If I don't do that then I really don't deserve the gold dust that I have now.

I have a lot of questions to ask, a lot of avenues to explore in my own head. I need to find out who Ashley David Marks is, it's the first step and it will be the biggest step towards me stepping out of this state that I am in at the moment. Because if there is one thing that I know for certain, it's that I don't want to be this person, this person scares me, I have lost a lot of the things that I held closest to my heart with this person. He needs to go.

Love 'n' Stuff


No comments:

Post a Comment