My Last Candle

You know that sickening feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you made a terrible mistake, the kind of mistake that leaves you reeling with self doubt and makes you scared that you are going to make the same mistakes over and over again until it drives you to something stupid. I am getting that feeling more and more with every day that goes by.

I am a dick, there is no two ways about it, I ruined something golden when I got involved with something that wasn't my fight. Yes, it did make me see at the time that maybe I didn't need it, but now I realise that I miss it. Miss all the things that we used to do, Tynwald Mills, the Haven, The Sound, I miss it and I won't be forced into feeling guilty about it. I had friends and whilst I would never give up on the friends I have now, who have been invaluable in helping me feel better, I would give everything to have what I lost back.

A lot of people throw around blame to cover their own tracks, but this is me taking responsibility. If I hadn't of gotten involved maybe I wouldn't be feeling like this now, maybe people who have fallen out would still be talking and up coming events would not leave me feeling like I have somehow ruined it because of things that I have done. I know some of you will be thinking that I am being stupid, and the rest of you will be thinking that I am only looking for sympathy but if any of you felt how I do right now I imagine that you will be doing the same. I am writing this blog to right past wrongs and hopefully clear the air for when I come back, I want the sense of belonging back, I want to be able to walk into the Haven without thinking that something is going to go wrong ( I know it probably wont, but my paranoia has gotten the best of me recently).

Like I said, I miss it. Things were said that were not necessarily meant, and at the time, were thought right. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. And with that last candle that I used in my title, I would wish that it was last summer and I could change everything before it happened.

Ash