Wednesday, 29 April 2009

My Obsession

Does that title make me sound like I am advertising fragrances?

Oh well.

Another fine day as life plods along in the South of England. I guess you don't realise how huge this country actually is unless you have moved from a rock that measures 39 odd miles from bottom to top (I think, maybe I am wrong and the manxness is being sucked out of me by the southern accents and poor quality of drinking over here). I realised this last night when Craig asked me how far it was from where I am in Horley (yes, we both still laugh at the town name), to Dudley. So I go on the AA website to map it on the route planner and it is nearly 160 miles away, 160 miles!! That's a 2 hour drive away (obviously that's as rough estimate, I know its more seeing as the national speed limit is 70 MPH yadda, yadda), Obviously I know where Birmingham is, but I thought it was closer than that *sigh*. It's going to take some getting used to, seeing as the longest journey I ever made on the island was from Castletown to the Point of Ayre, which is no easy feat in Craig's car, especially when you have Day and Me annoying everyone by singing to songs on his iPod in the back. Now I have to plan journeys, and it doesn't help that you can't drive, have no money, and couldn't afford the lessons even if you wanted to.

Is an obsession with a band a bad thing? I can't seem to stop listening to Fightstar, Charlie Simpson and his eyebrows seem to be haunting my dreams! Not in a gay way, more in a "I'm going to mess with your head..." No wait....That's worse...Let's just say I can't seem to stop listening to their new album. I just love them, and for Charlie to make the jump from teeny bopping Busted, to a much more heavy scenario just makes me glee with happiness. From song's about going to the future and possibly having incestuous relations with a future relative, to writing a whole EP based on the writings of Chuck Palahniuck and A few songs based on the Anime series Evangelion makes me so happy I might actually explode.

Now, I have tried lyric writing and I suck, I mean really suck at it. I wish I could write lyrics/music because music is one thing I am passionate about, and I would freaking love it if I could make some sort of career out of it But like everything else I think I'd love to, I dismiss it because I am so stupidly pessimistic I don't think I would ever be able to achieve anything. I mean I know I am smart, well, I'm not stupid, but I can never seem to apply myself to something even if I try my best to do so. It is why I failed at school, and college, and even when I did home schooling, I have just become so lazy, which has led to complacency, which has led to doubting my ability to do anything, which led to me self consciousness and has made me to scared to even thing about my future because I can't bare to think what is going to happen to me.

What I would really like is a career in a field like Marine Biology/Zoology, the sea fascinates me every little thing about it. Te fact that the sea is so crucial to life on earth and yet can be so destructive is amazing to me, and it would make a lot of my dreams come true if I ever get the opportunity to study the seas/oceans/rivers of the world. Unfortunately for me, I realised this to late and nothing short of a miracle would see that dream come true. Maybe I am being to pessimistic, or maybe I am just being realistic and I should focus on other things. But you have to have dreams right? I mean, if you don't have any dream's what is the point of living if you don't have anything to chase.

Anyway, it has taken me 45 minutes to write this much so I am going to leave it there before I depress myself that my dreams are slightly unattainable!

Love 'n' stuff


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