Wrote A Message On My Pillow That Says "Ashley Stay Asleep In Bed"

I can't sleep.

I need someone/thing to vent at, and I don't really want to wake Clazz up. This entry may be convoluted and dis-jointed but it will make sense to me.

I miss everything, Island wise I mean. Realisation dawned on me earlier tonight that I will never be able to see the people I grew up with properly unless I fork out hundreds of pounds to do so, it's really upsetting. Considering I haven't seen Craig and Kris since February, I haven't since Vicky since new years and I haven't seen Day, Hannah or Amy properly since October 2008...

It worries me that we used to spend all of our time together, do silly things that silly people do, and now it's gone. That chapter in my life is over, whether I want it to be or not. The people who defined who I am today are 350 miles away and separated by a body of water. That fucking water, it changes everything. It would be easier, not easy but certainly easier, to get over it if I could just hope on a train to go and see them when it suited me but I can't, and it makes me feel further away knowing that I can never be part of that group again with out risking financial ruin to get to them. It makes it harder that I have no real friends over here, I have Clazz, who is my best friend in the world, but I can't help feeling that nothing is ever going to feel like that summer in 2008 when I found out that I am not just another person, that I am unique and people like ME not the people I hang out with. Stretching further back to 2006, that summer we left school was the best summer I have ever had and I can't just go back to Silverdale Park and play on the swings or go on the round-a-bout until Amysteve and I felt sick.

These times I will always view through rose tinted glasses, I know. But take away the glasses and the roses will remain, this much will be true for as long as I draw breath.

Ash

xx