Monday, 7 June 2010

It Feels Like This Is The Perfect Time For Me To Say.

You know it's not hard for me too say anything, well, it is in person but on here I feel like I can speak my mind without fear of repercussion. In the real life I am a lot of different people, most of them people I don't want to be. I can the butt of jokes most of the time, I am most certainly the one who doesn't think things through, and if I am nothing else I am the one who has a lot of issues. I attribute a lot of my flaws to lack of self confidence, I get trampled on and I let people and things get to me because I just don't have the courage to stand up for myself, I feel like I deserve to be trodden on and kept under the thumb of people that are more popular and more powerful than I am.

In reality, I view myself to be obnoxious, clingy, self destructive and easily beaten. I constantly think that people only befriend me because they feel sorry for me, it's selfish to think that right? Wait, no. It's unfair? Of course it is, how dare I make that assumption without knowing. I have no proof that people think that way. In fact it is quite the opposite. I don't know.

My point is, that despite my lack of commitment to this blog, I can actually open up here. I can open up to people, but I feel stupid for doing so. Others don't NEED my pathetic issues, no matter how much they want to help, I feel horrible just thinking about burdening people with my over paranoid, delusional thoughts. On here, I don't feel like I am being a burden. I can't write down what's bothering me, and it'll be up to other people to read it, and then respond if they want to. This blog is for me, not for other people (as you can probably see by the number of followers it has). It is a personal, not very well written, draft of my autobiography, a place for me to come back to in years to come and laugh at, cry at, wonder why I ever felt like that. This blog is a release for me now, and in the future a self written character reference, a point in my life where I can see what was exactly going through my head between the ages of 21 to whenever I decide to stop this.

My paranoia IS pathetic. It will always be the worst flaw of a defective personality, because it feeds the other bad traits that float in my head. It is the thing that makes me obnoxious, and crave reassurance. I promise you that it is in no way vanity, I truly despise myself thanks to certain events in my life. I guess it is all just a plea from the depths of my mind, a plea for someone to tell me that I am being stupid and I am a decent human being. I'd like to think so.

Love 'n' Stuff


P.S I understand that people may find this amusing, annoying, idiotic, pathetic but if there is one thing I can be proud of myself for it's that I don't care what other people think about my right to speak my mind. If you don't like it, you're not worth having as a friend or even an acquaintance.


  1. :( I hope I can change your mind about how you feel about yourself. :( You know I love you, and that's because of who you are. <3

  2. Ashley, you have such a gift in your writing, you may think that you have no self confidence but that confidence shows in the way you can put things down in writing. You are a poet and a songwriter and you have the ability to express yourself in a very special way. Use that gift babe, share it with the world dont hide it under a blanket of lack of confidence. Being able to express yourself the way you do in your writing is a very special gift and you should embrace it. The people who know you the best know that you are a kind, sympathetic lovely man, they are the people you should share your gift with because they understand you more than anyone. I am proud of you, I am proud of the person you are you just need to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you x